bits and bants vol.22
advent isn't just warm and cozy
Advent approaches and as the darkness takes firm hold the call for preparation calls us more deeply than just putting up approximately five million Christmas decorations by November 5.
Preparing the way of the Lord can look a million different ways, but lately I’ve been realizing that rooting out, or at the very least, acknowledging the hidden corners of my heart where pride lives. Pride will happily live in my heart for as long as it can, especially if it’s nice and quiet and doesn’t draw attention to itself. Just a daily little tweak to my thoughts, poisoning so much clandestinely. Pride that is hidden in the dirty little closet of my prayer life that I just tell God that we’re going to ignore for now. Let’s just not talk about it! It’s not that big! I’m doing all this other great prayer stuff over here—come on over and look! We will just pretend that corner of what I say is too hurtful to go into, isn’t a big deal. It’s a wound. There can’t be any pride hiding under there!
But what I’ve been telling myself is just a corner of hurt feelings, frustration, not-big-deals, is in fact where pride lives a sweet life of luxury. Pride is happily hiding under those auspices of disappointments, daily struggles, or periods of suffering. Hiding below hurts and frustrations is the place where I adamantly hold tightly that what I believe about myself, my life, and other people is right and that God isn’t right, He’s wrong. Basic pride.
It sounds a bit crazy in the light of rational day, but our beliefs don’t lie. If I believe that one, tiny area of my life and heart are more right than God then that is pride. I can say I believe that it’s not simply pride because of hurt feelings or frustrating circumstances, but peel back those layers and it is basic, ugly pride enjoying its best life undetected in my soul.
Preparing our hearts in Advent and rooting out the small places where pride can live is not a fun, glitzy way of preparing for Christmas. It doesn’t even feel good in a self-help-y sort of way. It is actually painful, frustrating, and annoying. Especially if we think we can do it ourselves. But thinking we can beat pride all by ourselves by sheer act of the will —ironically—pride. And weirdly, you can’t beat pride with pride.
The beginning of allowing Christ to destroy pride within us is for us to choose repentance. Not only to choose to repent, but to actually do the thing. To repent of our sin, of believing pride when it speaks to us, of allowing pride to take up a well-furnished spot in our heart that we actively ignore even when we are prayerful, intentional people. We must first repent so Christ can act, so that grace can move. And if I can speak from my experience lately, the act of repentance is not a one time thing. It may be a daily, hourly act of repentance. It does not feel instantly uplifting to make an act of repentance. Just like going to confession more times than nought feels rough. But our spiritual lives are not just a way to us feel better, to produce an emotional end, the goal of our spiritual lives is holiness.
I have been spining my tires in my prayer life because I would not deal with this issue of pride. I know it. And having this self knowledge now, to understand more fully how and why I’ve been choosing pride instead of allowing God and His grace to more fully communicate to me, is the crucial first step in rooting out pride that has taken up residence. But it is not a one step cure-all that makes me feel more self-improved.
Repentance is not easy. Preparing the way of the Lord is not easy. Smoothing the path for Christ to become Incarnate in our hearts at Christmas is not the equivalent of sending Christmas cards. It isn’t a sentimental line item on our “Catholic” to-do list. The spiritual preparation the Church calls us to in the season of Advent another thing we do without thinking or effort, it requires real spiritual investment, introspection, and action. Advent is not just a mood boosting season of coziness. To borrow from Flannery, our faith is not just an electric blanket to make us feel warm and fuzzy. Advent is the season of light, but it isn’t just fairy lights, it’s the burning light that exposes the sin within ourselves that thrives in darkness.
bits:
My opinions on when to decorate for Christmas are neither here nor there, but they definitely are in Advent and not November! But honestly, that is just what I prefer for me, you do whatever you gotta do, it’s not something I want people coming for me with pitchforks. I did however, love reading this lovely piece by Clare Coffey on the darkness and waiting of Advent.
The supremely brilliant Elizabeth Lev has a phenomenal piece on Norte Dame’s restoration that is more than worth your time.
Obviously, you should be reading
and her thoughts on Advent over mine.Woof! This piece on motherhood really put into words so much of what I’ve been struggling with in the past couple years. It really is hard to be a stay at home mom thinking you’re giving up another salary, your “career dreams”, social clout, and you don’t even get perfect children out of the deal! The amount of pressure we put on ourselves because we are choosing something that comes with no readily seen results, or worldly accomplishments feels crushingly big sometimes. If these kids don’t turn out perfect then have I given up all that money for nothing? If I don’t do all the things then what’s the point of me staying home anyway? And the buck completely stops with me—my kids do weird things or can’t remember D-Day, there’s no one else to pass the buck on to! These are just some of the weird and bizarre things that go through your head just because that’s sorta what the faulty ideas of stay at home motherhood lead to, whether we deduce the from societal expectations or our own weird expectations we pick up along the way. Anyway, no answers from me. Just a good piece. (h/t to
for sharing!)It was our friend Jack’s birthday the other day and I thought this article was a thoughtful and good summary of CS Lewis’ thought and writing when it comes to the state of education and politics.
And then while I was over at Public Discourse I read this piece that made a few very good points that I enjoyed. Me and my liberal arts bias got reaffirmed, of course.
reading, watching, what have you:
You all know I watched The Crown, and while it was generally disappointing, terribly written, and omg had ghost appearances(!!), it actually wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. Although, the grudge that Peter Morgan has against Queen Elizabeth II makes absolutely no sense. He even made Prince Charles look good at times in this season, and CIII owes Dominic West a nice Christmas present, but why Morgan has it in for QEII makes no sense to me. Did she not shake his hand after he waited out in the rain at a hospital opening in the 70s or something??
Since The Crown we’ve been catching up on Welcome to Wrexham, which isn’t as good as a second season but is perfectly watchable sports documentary.
I have been reading The Once and Future King and it’s been much funnier and heartfelt than expected. I think I’m going to finish the second book this weekend, and then maybe take a breather, or at least mix up my reading a bit more. I am still reading La Morte d’Arthur, so I might be nearing my capacity for Arthurian lit for right now.
Is that it? I feel like there was more, but I guess that’s it for right now. Hopefully you have a peaceful start to the Advent season, it’s going to be a quick one!
snowless in Canada,
Christy
Oof - I'm really feeling this. When I realized that pride was the other side of fear, that really woke me up.
Thank you for the mention!