a weird brain dump of sorts🧠

a newsletter of random thoughts

I need to get back on the horse of writing. Not writing anything fancy. I will take basic coherent sentences. I will take basic sentences that express basic thoughts. I’m not even aiming for sad irony or tired metaphor.

On Writing

I work myself into a bit of a blather when I think about what to write about. Part of me thinks I should write something imminently shareable, current, and palatable. Which is true is you want to be a popular internet writer. But that is exactly the opposite of what I appreciate in others writing on the internet. I want to appreciate the ordinary sharing of thoughts because writing is good for the human person, and reading ordinary thoughts and writing is valuable in our understanding of other human beings. I also have this unshakeable annoying feeling that to be popular on the internet within any circle you have to say the right things. And then if I write something other than the right things I’m susceptible to a complete lack of confidence. And of course a complete lack of online interaction on said piece of writing. It feels like this weird catch-22 of writing where I need to either get over my millennial angst, or just write really boring stuff for a while.

On Parenting

Similarly to the idea of the right things to talk about, I basically never want to write about parenting because I invariably will never write the right things. The encouraging things. The socially acceptable hard things. The deep sharing of intimate experience things. The only thing I know for certain about parenting is that the longer I parent the less I feel I know, the more important I think it is, and how wrong most people are who emote about it on the internet. As usual, the problem with me is I get hung up on the very everyday practicalities of parenting and there's a lot of annoying practicalities in living with and parenting teenagers that I could write a book about which no one would want to read.

On Restlessness

I’ve got heaps of restless energy this week. I can’t finish reading articles, no book can hold my attention, I haven’t been able to start to tackle any of the projects around the house I need to get to, I just want to shop online for makeup, etc. etc. etc. I chalk it up to restless spring energy. You see, although the snow has finally melted here, it takes ages for the temperature to warm enough to sufficiently heat the earth which in turn makes things grow. So we’re in this weird holding pattern of brown, cold winds, and trees that are budding up but with no sign of spring. I need that change! I want to start growing things and planting things—but again, that pesky ground temperature and the one more whole month of possible night time frosts.

On Everything Being Expensive

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before— of course you’ve heard this one before! You’ve probably experienced this four times already yourself just today! I just want things to be less expensive. All things. Everywhere. I want houses to be less expensive. I want plain white blouses to be less expensive. I want a nightstand that is less than $500. Because truly, I want to make this bedroom of my 30 year old self dreams come true and actually buy grown up furniture that I don’t hate for my own bedroom. I’m almost 40. I want to buy something that’s pretty, yet made of real wood. But for less than $500 dollars. IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t give me “antique stores and thrift stores always have cute things blah blah blah”…the thrift stores of northern Canada are ERAS different from your east coast cool antique stores. I can’t tell you the last time I was in a thrift store and there was an actual piece of wood furniture in it. And I go to thrift shops a lot! I’m willing and wanting to invest in pieces, but invest in like, not half a mortgage payment for a tiny table invest. Heaven will be full of quality made furniture, mark my words.

On Making Dinner…Again

Yesterday I had the thought, “Wow, it must be so nice to come home from work and just have dinner ready for you without ever having to think about it.” I don’t mean that in a catty way at all. I mean that straight up, face value. IT WOULD BE AMAZING. If you’re some miracle woman who married a unicorn who routinely/always makes you dinner, just go enjoy your perfect life and forget about me and this newsletter, but for those of us who have done it for most of our adult lives, wouldn’t it be great to NOT have to do it everyday? It’s a serious task! I have basically come to view it as part of my job, not really as mother, but just the person in our family who is best appointed currently to get dinner on the table. Some days I’m romantic about it and wonder what my children will think in their adult years of always having something homemade on the dinner table for them, but then I think that I’m an adult right now and I don’t spend a lot of time in my life appreciating my mom’s cooking when we were kids. This is all speaking to so much of my own personal failings, of course. Now, I’m someone who’s a pretty ok cook, I don’t hate cooking at all. And I have a husband who is very appreciative of my cooking dinner, and communicates it often. But it is still a normal, everyday, human thing we do that really contributes a lot to the lives of those around us. If you do it once a week, or three times a day, good work! You’re doing everyone a solid. You’re also doing something that is deeply human, that humanity has previously always had to do, unless servants, and what connects us to our bodies, our homes, and nature. Wow, that was a lot of words.

Ok. I’m gonna stop this right now. I have more seeds to sow and coffee to drink and maybe I should make the caffeine go to good use and exercise or something. See you soon, hopefully!