Currently avoiding the deeper issues of life by listening to “Money In The Bank” 😂😂 Will circle back for Advent...maybe- Unless Wodehouse writes anything Christmasy?
Have you watched the Jeeves and Wooster tv series?!? Because that is television you do not have to feel guilty about giving up whole days to watch! Please, go watch it right now, ignore responsibilities to do so!
I think about those gaps between my ideals and my lived reality alllll the time, and tend to think of them as being the core of where spiritual growth can happen, if I let it. I guess I have the opposite tendency to you, in that I’m very inclined to just let myself off with characteristic self-indulgence - but finding the sweet spot between pushing myself to live out my values in a tangible way, whilst also having the humility to recognise that I am much more limited than I’d like to believe, seems to be the never ending spiritual battle of my life.
I haven’t looked at those links and will check them out, but your reflection on extended family really resonated! One of the things I am always saying to myself and others is that if we want this “village” we’re always going on about then we have to accept the frustrations we have with the people who make it up. It’s a contradiction to say we want a village and then say we want it to be made up of people who exactly meet our Village Member criteria. And like you say, it is a really important value to model for children, to be in relationship with extended family and to love them in spite of often deep differences, annoyances, hurts etc. (I think about it a lot, but I am still terrible at it - I spend an extraordinary amount of time expressing my incredulity at various extended family members. Must get to Confession 🥴)
No, I totally get what you're saying Gina! I think the humility part is something we just have to learn over and over and over and over again depending on how our particular personalities lean. I am so much more limited than I wish I was. And I really do need daily reminders to live in actual reality and not some completely unreal ideal I can only construct in my mind.
I've always baulked against the idea of the modern village because even if you somehow are blessed with somewhat of a community that you agree with and are blessed to actually like, there are so many different ways to disagree about how to live. There's just no chance you're going to agree with 10 other people in how to parent your child. Heck, do we even agree with our husbands all the time? Then there's the fact that the village is only there upon mutual agreement and we know how easy it is for people to simply pack up and move on. Not for bad reasons, although sometimes it's for not great reasons, but the idea that the village is permanent and always going to be positive is just so unrealistic. While relationship with extended family forces you quite literally to love people permanently. And yes, that includes tough conversations, tough boundaries, but the whole point is you have to work that out and live together. Family dysfunction is real and doesn't make this kind of living easy, but I do think if you have a semi-healthy extended family that learning to live with them consistently, not even in the same town, but seeing them often etc makes a big difference in how we see relationship. Maybe? Haha, I feel like I'm not being as clear as I should be and probably need to think about this more. And of course, as I write this I would never say that I'm the best daughter/sister/daughter in law/aunt etc who has all great extended family relationships!
Thanks so much for the generous mention Christy! I feel that when one mentions the word "family" in a post people often respond with a yawn because it seems so banal. Yet it is at the core. I empathize with your comment, " the majority of my day is taken up with breaking up sibling squabbles. And when I say majority, I mean so. much. of. my. time." This is where we feel we have failed, where we feel like hypocrites for writing about the good life and then end up negotiating squabbles (you are not alone in this...). Yet there will be some squabbles that we manage to redirect with patience, there are times when we figure out a better way so that there is reduced friction, when we engage in conversation and activities that are pleasant. The teenage years are full of upheaval and can test parents (and teens) to their limits (I commented a bit on this in my interview here: https://thehomefront.substack.com/p/an-interview-with-ruth-gaskovski?utm_source=substack&utm_campaign=post_embed&utm_medium=web). My mother used to say "small children, small problems; bigger children, bigger problems" (sounds better in German), and I have found that she is right that more patience is required of us at this stage. But this too shall pass and we have found much improvement in the level of squabbles when we have more down time with each other, and more time to talk and just be together.
Thanks also for reminding me of the Canticle for Leibowitz - will place it on my reading list :)
Thank you so much Ruth! I do definitely feel hypocritical in thinking or worrying about the big lofty ideals and ideas of parenting when so many days I feel discouraged that I still haven't taught a fifteen year old how to speak respectfully to his siblings! I feel like I haven't even got the basics down and they're already teenagers! I wish I had a personality more prone to positivity, one of those gushing parents who just love everything their child does and doesn't get hung up on the negative stuff but it has so far proved impossible. I also feel so much more out of my depth with teenagers. I never questioned how I parented younger children. I loved encouraging them to be bored and playing creatively. But teenagers I second guess everything and wonder if I should be doing everything everyone else is doing and it really drives me nuts. I'm assuming by the time my youngest is 15 I'll have figured it all out and will enjoy a good year of not overthinking parenting...maybe.
First, I LOVE Canticle for Leibowitz, and the title gets punned on the regular in our house.
I'm so here with you for all this. It's the unrelenting-ness of it all...I think that's what starts to make for the dissonance between the lofty ideals and the reality of the breaking up of ALL THE FIGHTS. FIGHTS ABOUT STRING! SHOES! OLD BALLOONS! So when I put my patience to the test x number of times, it's x+1 that finally gets me - and since parenting is a 24-hour gig, that makes it so hard. I try to fill my tank and have this lofty vision, too, of what my ideals for raising kids are like, but of course they have their own personalities and plans, and all my tank-filling can get turned upside-down in a matter of minutes. Haha. I have no solutions, only camaraderie!
Our oldest is 12, so we're just dipping into those pre-teen times...every time we get to a rhythm with an age or stage, it's time to learn anew! Magical and humbling, I suppose!
It just feels so discouraging when you have lofty ideals of what you want to impart as a parent, but spend so much of your actual energy trying to get them to not fight, or pee in the potty that you have nothing left for anything else! Which is a false dichotomy I know, because we are teaching lofty and great goals by teaching them to speak kindly, and be hygienic but it just doesn't feel like it in the moment!!
I'm almost halfway into Leibowitz and it's not as post-apocalyptic as I thought it would be, in a good way. I just become anxiety ridden with post-apocalyptic stuff, but so far I'm doing ok!
It's SO true. I try to hold onto that notion of the sacred in the seemingly-mundane, but man the grind can get tough sometimes!
I also don't have a high tolerance for post-apocalyptic stuff! Somehow, we've renamed pancakes in our house after that book ("Who wants Pancakes for Leibowitz this morning?")
I could not get through the last part of A Canticle for Leibowitz. I just gave up, even though I was fascinated by the book.
Have you read Paul Kingsnorth's "The Wake?" I just finished that and wow, it was amazing -- it only takes a few pages to get the hang of the unusual form of the language.
Re: Wake, read the note at the back about language first; it helps. Reading the book aloud to yourself is very satisfying and help with understanding. I think Haley said she actually listened to it as an audiobook, which is really smart, too.
Dixie! I just finished The Wake yesterday and started Beast (the second in the trilogy) today. However, I am not surprised at this accidental coordination of reading. :)
Listen, all I can read right now is P.G. Wodehouse and The Penderwicks. Sorry WRM friends, I’m just not doing it!
I could also use a day or two to just lie in bed and watch TV, ideals be damned. How about I listen to audiobooks of P.G. Wodehouse? Is that better?
Currently avoiding the deeper issues of life by listening to “Money In The Bank” 😂😂 Will circle back for Advent...maybe- Unless Wodehouse writes anything Christmasy?
Wodehouse has Christmas short stories of Jeeves and Wooster! I will try to find the name!
Have you watched the Jeeves and Wooster tv series?!? Because that is television you do not have to feel guilty about giving up whole days to watch! Please, go watch it right now, ignore responsibilities to do so!
I totally forgot that existed! I saw a few episodes a decade ago. I bet it’s on BritBox 👀
It's worth it no matter what form of technology you have to use to watch it! Haha!
I think about those gaps between my ideals and my lived reality alllll the time, and tend to think of them as being the core of where spiritual growth can happen, if I let it. I guess I have the opposite tendency to you, in that I’m very inclined to just let myself off with characteristic self-indulgence - but finding the sweet spot between pushing myself to live out my values in a tangible way, whilst also having the humility to recognise that I am much more limited than I’d like to believe, seems to be the never ending spiritual battle of my life.
I haven’t looked at those links and will check them out, but your reflection on extended family really resonated! One of the things I am always saying to myself and others is that if we want this “village” we’re always going on about then we have to accept the frustrations we have with the people who make it up. It’s a contradiction to say we want a village and then say we want it to be made up of people who exactly meet our Village Member criteria. And like you say, it is a really important value to model for children, to be in relationship with extended family and to love them in spite of often deep differences, annoyances, hurts etc. (I think about it a lot, but I am still terrible at it - I spend an extraordinary amount of time expressing my incredulity at various extended family members. Must get to Confession 🥴)
No, I totally get what you're saying Gina! I think the humility part is something we just have to learn over and over and over and over again depending on how our particular personalities lean. I am so much more limited than I wish I was. And I really do need daily reminders to live in actual reality and not some completely unreal ideal I can only construct in my mind.
I've always baulked against the idea of the modern village because even if you somehow are blessed with somewhat of a community that you agree with and are blessed to actually like, there are so many different ways to disagree about how to live. There's just no chance you're going to agree with 10 other people in how to parent your child. Heck, do we even agree with our husbands all the time? Then there's the fact that the village is only there upon mutual agreement and we know how easy it is for people to simply pack up and move on. Not for bad reasons, although sometimes it's for not great reasons, but the idea that the village is permanent and always going to be positive is just so unrealistic. While relationship with extended family forces you quite literally to love people permanently. And yes, that includes tough conversations, tough boundaries, but the whole point is you have to work that out and live together. Family dysfunction is real and doesn't make this kind of living easy, but I do think if you have a semi-healthy extended family that learning to live with them consistently, not even in the same town, but seeing them often etc makes a big difference in how we see relationship. Maybe? Haha, I feel like I'm not being as clear as I should be and probably need to think about this more. And of course, as I write this I would never say that I'm the best daughter/sister/daughter in law/aunt etc who has all great extended family relationships!
"conflicted and crazed"
My new email sign off 👌
Thanks so much for the generous mention Christy! I feel that when one mentions the word "family" in a post people often respond with a yawn because it seems so banal. Yet it is at the core. I empathize with your comment, " the majority of my day is taken up with breaking up sibling squabbles. And when I say majority, I mean so. much. of. my. time." This is where we feel we have failed, where we feel like hypocrites for writing about the good life and then end up negotiating squabbles (you are not alone in this...). Yet there will be some squabbles that we manage to redirect with patience, there are times when we figure out a better way so that there is reduced friction, when we engage in conversation and activities that are pleasant. The teenage years are full of upheaval and can test parents (and teens) to their limits (I commented a bit on this in my interview here: https://thehomefront.substack.com/p/an-interview-with-ruth-gaskovski?utm_source=substack&utm_campaign=post_embed&utm_medium=web). My mother used to say "small children, small problems; bigger children, bigger problems" (sounds better in German), and I have found that she is right that more patience is required of us at this stage. But this too shall pass and we have found much improvement in the level of squabbles when we have more down time with each other, and more time to talk and just be together.
Thanks also for reminding me of the Canticle for Leibowitz - will place it on my reading list :)
Thank you so much Ruth! I do definitely feel hypocritical in thinking or worrying about the big lofty ideals and ideas of parenting when so many days I feel discouraged that I still haven't taught a fifteen year old how to speak respectfully to his siblings! I feel like I haven't even got the basics down and they're already teenagers! I wish I had a personality more prone to positivity, one of those gushing parents who just love everything their child does and doesn't get hung up on the negative stuff but it has so far proved impossible. I also feel so much more out of my depth with teenagers. I never questioned how I parented younger children. I loved encouraging them to be bored and playing creatively. But teenagers I second guess everything and wonder if I should be doing everything everyone else is doing and it really drives me nuts. I'm assuming by the time my youngest is 15 I'll have figured it all out and will enjoy a good year of not overthinking parenting...maybe.
First, I LOVE Canticle for Leibowitz, and the title gets punned on the regular in our house.
I'm so here with you for all this. It's the unrelenting-ness of it all...I think that's what starts to make for the dissonance between the lofty ideals and the reality of the breaking up of ALL THE FIGHTS. FIGHTS ABOUT STRING! SHOES! OLD BALLOONS! So when I put my patience to the test x number of times, it's x+1 that finally gets me - and since parenting is a 24-hour gig, that makes it so hard. I try to fill my tank and have this lofty vision, too, of what my ideals for raising kids are like, but of course they have their own personalities and plans, and all my tank-filling can get turned upside-down in a matter of minutes. Haha. I have no solutions, only camaraderie!
Our oldest is 12, so we're just dipping into those pre-teen times...every time we get to a rhythm with an age or stage, it's time to learn anew! Magical and humbling, I suppose!
It just feels so discouraging when you have lofty ideals of what you want to impart as a parent, but spend so much of your actual energy trying to get them to not fight, or pee in the potty that you have nothing left for anything else! Which is a false dichotomy I know, because we are teaching lofty and great goals by teaching them to speak kindly, and be hygienic but it just doesn't feel like it in the moment!!
I'm almost halfway into Leibowitz and it's not as post-apocalyptic as I thought it would be, in a good way. I just become anxiety ridden with post-apocalyptic stuff, but so far I'm doing ok!
It's SO true. I try to hold onto that notion of the sacred in the seemingly-mundane, but man the grind can get tough sometimes!
I also don't have a high tolerance for post-apocalyptic stuff! Somehow, we've renamed pancakes in our house after that book ("Who wants Pancakes for Leibowitz this morning?")
Oh man. Pancakes for Leibowitz is now what I'm calling it forever.
The Literary Life podcast episodes on Dracula are well worth a listen!
I looooved Canticle for Leibowitz, I'm super excited to be rereading it. Post-apocalyptic monks!!!
I could not get through the last part of A Canticle for Leibowitz. I just gave up, even though I was fascinated by the book.
Have you read Paul Kingsnorth's "The Wake?" I just finished that and wow, it was amazing -- it only takes a few pages to get the hang of the unusual form of the language.
Haha, I haven't made it to the last part yet, but I will let you know!
I have not read The Wake but I'll put it on the old list right now!
Good luck and Gospeed with Canticle!
Re: Wake, read the note at the back about language first; it helps. Reading the book aloud to yourself is very satisfying and help with understanding. I think Haley said she actually listened to it as an audiobook, which is really smart, too.
Good to know, I'll check out both versions!
Dixie! I just finished The Wake yesterday and started Beast (the second in the trilogy) today. However, I am not surprised at this accidental coordination of reading. :)
I am about 2 pages into Beast! And Alexandria is waiting...finding Beast harder to get into, but I am sure it will happen.
For me, it's the complete opposite, haha.
Either way, happy reading!
That is fascinating! We will have to touch base again when we are done with Beast!