bits and bants vol.19
the state of small talk
I’ve got to thinking about small talk lately. Probably spurred on by September and the return to all the things and seeing people you know, but maybe only in the capacity of one kind of event, or you’ve had kids the same age in things for years but for whatever reason you’ve never become bffs. People who are even friends but not really intimates.
These people are important even though I don’t see every day or text them profound thoughts. And small talk is important even though it can often feel awkward and weird. We actually need small talk to get too deeper relationship. I’m just saying that part out loud because small talk takes such a bad wrap that it makes me want to scream, “But it’s an important step in human contact!” And we all know that we as a species aren’t doing great when it comes to human contact.
My angst comes in because I don’t feel like I’m good at small talk. Sure, I’m outgoing, I’ll start up the conversation, I’ll fill in those annoying awkward silences, but I never feel like I have a great one liner that gets a person to open up about more than the weather, or their kids sports schedule(s), or their job that they either want to talk about for the next eight hours or not talk about at all.
Now, I’m not shooting for a deep, psychological insight. I don’t want them to open up and share their deepest, darkest fear. But I think especially as women, and ESPECIALLY as moms we don’t really talk about stuff we care about much past our families. Even when we talk about our families it is usually only the most apparent aspects, the busy-ness aspects, and we’ve all done it, sometimes the humble brag aspects.
I want to know how you want to spend your free time. Or what book you’ve read this week that you find interesting. What hobby are you into right now? What’s your opinion on Taylor Swift boyfriends, pro-English or pro-football player? Trust me, if you asked me my opinions on women who date/marry professional athletes I have encyclopedias of knowledge and opinions to share with you, all coming prior to the Taylor/Travis phenomenon. Whole podcasts I could produce.
But how do I get to interesting places in small talk? I’m bad at it. I want direct go-to lines I could use. Should I just start experimenting? Will it lead to more small talk or more people avoiding me because they don’t know why I keep asking the weird questions? Maybe this is a social science experiment that needs to happen. But I am genuinely interested because I have friends who are fabulous are small talk, and small talk that leads to more interesting better conversation. And better conversation leads to better relationships and real human connection.
Funnily enough, my most memorable small talk of the last week happened when I took my car to get an oil change at one of those quick oil change places in the city last week. I had never been there before and met the mechanic for the first time. Somehow we ended up in a conversation that lasted over twenty minutes in which we discussed the best vehicles for families with a lot of kids, how we both had larger than average-sized amounts of children, our feelings on the education system, gender ideology in schools, homeschooling, and the best place for a quick noodle lunch. He had a quick sense of humour and made me laugh and was a great example of how strangers can have real discussion and share ideas without it becoming a whole thing!
As I come full circle here, maybe that’s the beauty of what small talk can and should be. It shouldn’t have to be a whole thing. It doesn’t have to be deep, but it can talk about important ideas. It doesn’t have to be inherently personal, but I know I would like to know a little bit more about the person to whom I’m speaking and I bet you would too.
bants:
I’m going to be honest and say that most of my internet consumption this week has gone to heavy pieces and articles that involve a lot of history and politics dealing with the war in Israel. As a recovering political junkie it’s really hard for me to limit my consumption especially when there are so many absolute garbage takes out there which I consequently have to research to prove how wrong they are. I will try to do better next week. And in recompense I will only link to lovely things for you to read!
- from has a wonderful essay on praying for Sylvia Plath this Hallowtide which I really loved. I love the thought of having Masses said for the souls of people we admire who have died. I also have always sorta wanted to have a Mass said for Brittany Spears.
- has a completely hilarious and delightful substack and can write the pants off of nearly everyone. I spent at least ten straight minutes laughing at her piece this week, I left a comment, and then guess what happened?? SHE LEFT A COMMENT ON ONE OF MY POSTS AND I FELT LIKE THE HAPPIEST TEENAGER ALIVE!
I have never thought kale could be cute and adorable, but this amazing piece by Kristin from
on the customs of Hallowtide and the use of kale has converted me. I will plant kale in the garden next year if only to make my own kale torches!
reading, watching, what have you:
I watched Beckham. Along with the rest of the world! I thought it was great. Was I mostly there for Posh? Obviously. But the filmmaking was so good that you just wanted to keep watching. I especially love how men only get better looking as they age, and the fact that all soccer managers are supervillains and the antithesis of Ted Lasso.
I finished Strike and it was maybe the best of the series? Although, I feel like I may say that about every book?
And I think that’s it for me. I don’t know where this week has gone to other than a lot of school happening, kid driving, and trying to wrap things up out in the garden before the weather turns next week. I have started soup season and always go back to the Julia Child classic for a fast soup when I need something to fill out dinner.
Hope your weekend includes pumpkin pie, I need more.
Christy
With the caveat that this only works with people you already know, my fallback small talk hack is always something that they told me before. You tell me at the PTA meeting that you managed to get Taylor Swift tickets for your daughter? When I see you on the sidelines of the soccer game a month later, I will ask you whether you liked the surprise songs. Did you bring a book to the playground? First of all, can I sit by you (the number of people who bring physical books anywhere is rapidly dwindling which means they are almost always My People) and second, what is it and next time I see you, did you like it? My five year old daughter has also picked up the "compliment opening" because I have heard her tell girls at the playground "I like your shoes" at least half a dozen times, and I chuckle to myself but you know what, it usually works!
Ahh, I love when friends from various internet corners come together, Kristin Haakenson and I have had many a conversation about carved Hallowtide veggies ;)
And I feel like I need someone to discuss Beckham (aside from my husband) with. I was not prepared to feel such Mom-sympathy for him. In the 90s I way too far on the moody alternative side of culture to know much about Posh and Becks but they really won me over in the documentary.